I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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