i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I smell stomach acid.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
