does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
