Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
