i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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