Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
