so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
