if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
