So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
don't judge my taste in strippers
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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