i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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