I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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