OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
