i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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