My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
