If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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