Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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