The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
