guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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