My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
