listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
