Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
