____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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