When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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