I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
