you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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