Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
