So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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