I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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