Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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