so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
