Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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