Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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