I'm gonna have a badass scar
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
