a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
