I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
