Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
