you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
