Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
