did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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