Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
