Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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