You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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