peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
