He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
