Four minutes until I can fart!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
