Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
