you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
They have beer where we have blood.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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