In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
