Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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