I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
