I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
