Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
